Nils Michael Voulfson
Right now, I’m most sure of complex and dynamic things
And the resilience and flexibility and passion that’s required to live in this world
And the amount of love that is possible for us to experience
And the power we hold to create itIn words
In touch
Through presence
And growlsRight, whole, and pure are not concepts that I best understand with my mind.
If I am trying to understand
I’m going the wrong directionI need to experience myself, fully
And experience you, fullyIn the messiness, in the chaos, and all the imperfectionsYour body knows
And my body knows
And I love us too much to trust anything elseI’m committed to that truth above everything else
Do you know what to do when waves of grief batter your shores?
Cause I don't
I know how to fight
And I've learned how to surrender
And sometimes it still just feels like I am surviving itAmidst the ecstasy and joy
Of everyday life
There is so much grief
So sad to see what we are doing to ourselves
What we have doneSometimes I feel powerless
And apathetic
Fearful
But underneath,
Is a breaking heart
Crying out "why?"
Have you roared today?Opened your mouth and breathed your fire onto the world…..Roared so loud and hard that your heart became soft..What if we caressed each other not with gentle hands, and kind wordsBut with sweet fire breath that burns away anything that is not true.
Being loved by you is like a warm rain on my skin
It touches darker parts of me and reminds me of the light
It reminds me of my wholeness and belonging
I belong with you
And you belong with me
Always haveWith you all pretending falls away
You see me
And I surrender to the truth
Your presence and love is a soft wind that blows away any mask
If your heart is open
And if your eyes are open
Your heart's going to be broken everydayLet your apathy enrage youLet the truth of this world break your heartLet you tears guide you to a deeper knowingGrief and anger.
And how we are with them as a culture
Or, how we are not with them.How can I love? If I cannot grieve?
And can I trust myself? If I cannot get angry?
Not collapsed grief.
And not disembodied anger.If I shake hard enough —
Shake away the apathy
Shake away the fear
Shake away the stuckness
Shake away any depression
Shake away the fear of trusting something deeper inside me
And feel and express the grief
The sadness
The longing
The anger and rageI land in
It fucking matters
I can't affect as much change as I want to
In fact there may be nothing I can do
And I am from the earth, the sky, and flesh more than any colony
And I grieve because I care, so much
"Serious"Knuckles pounding on my backA blade slashing deep
from shoulder to hip
Blood rushing outI patch itThose who grieve
May see depthThose who know grief and have let it be loved by others
May see love and lossAnd somehow, some see "serious"
When there is so much more.
Mother,
I want to come
Lay in your arms
And feel the waves beneath me.I cannot become you.
Please don’t trySee me
Hold meKnow,
I cannot stay forever.Sometimes I fear coming to you
Because I do not understand what I feel
When I am present with myself.I forget that
In your arms, it all makes senseYou are wise
Ready to receive those who are weary
I am weary
May I rest my head?Being with you I feel fresh blood flow through my veins
So pure
Our world is lacking this loveI cannot stay forever
I must go out and build, create, forge, shake up, discover
And sometimes, I must come back,
And see that everything has always already been here
My grief does not want a solution
My grief does not want an answer
My grief wants to be held by warm, present hands
My grief wants to be seen by eyes that know it too
An open heart, that knows joy and pain and love
My grief wants to sit in nature for weeks
And soak in the aliveness and beauty
Of all the leaves, trees, and birds, insects, wind, sun, and stars
My grief is not melancholy or romantic
Its not a sad love song
And it's sure not dying
My grief is a breaking heart
Gushing, beating, bleeding, passionate, vital
Something that you show me
Is so true
Yet the way you show me
I can't feel it the right way
It feels stuck
I long to feel the truth more clearlyWhat are we actually doing here?
We are here to feel an emotion I believe
Anger?
Are you actually feeling it?
Where is it taking you?
Do you feel nature when you feel it?
Is it creative?
Does it feel... Stuck?
A flare
Of life
Reaches out to touch me
Something is familiar with this one
It recognizes me
The way I move
And I recognize the way she moves, too
A wolf
She runs through the woods
Cold wind blowing through her fur
Teeth sweetly bared.I move to touch her
I ask a question
She says yes
Giving me the answer
By asking another question
By holding a door open
No question, no answer
Only curiosity and exploration
We never find “it”, we only ever close our eyes and stop looking
And when we make love
I want nothing less than the god in me to touch the god in you
I want and need all the layers stripped away
Until it is only your dear soul and mine
For me, dance is communion with the inevitable.It all comes around, and dance is the ritual that integrates it all.
All of the raindrops that ache to be broken from their suspension, are released and land on the surface.
It’s so playful, and incredibly deep, and profoundly light, effortlessly dynamic, and magically all-encompassing.It feels like the core of who I am as a human.
It makes so much sense to me.
And in it, nothing needs to make sense.I feel connected to something so big, a deep wisdom, and everything else fades away. Everything settles.
A kind of wisdom we hardly touch in our culture.
The wisdom of god in the body.
Freedom, sanity, and endlessly complex purity.
I don’t care how you look when you're doing it
I care how you feel
We have become wired to receive each other in superficial, disembodied, and performative waysI don’t give a fuck if your dance looks good
And I can tell when you're not dancing for yourself
We miss out on so much of each other this way.
In trying to look good.
We miss out on connection to ourselves, each other, and the truth of this world.I’m more interested in:
With how much passion do you pursue that which you desire
and with how much reverence do you let go of that desire and open yourself to life?
With how much commitment do you embody the joy, sorrow, wildness, and incomprehensibility that lives inside you?
This is what I care about.
Curved, glass, iris, blue
Your hand is there when I get there I place my hands on the window
A galaxy opens up between
I marvel at the stars and empty space
Your hands hover and wane
Just there-
Did you feel it?
That form on the other side of the glass?
Facing back at you
The edges of something
I'm standing there for a second
And there you go
Following a different thread,
Maybe next time.
I am a rock
Steady
Level
I breathe in
I breathe out
My gaze forward
Solid
I respond instead of reacting
I feel light
And at the same time
I am empty
I am solid
And I am emptyThere is a sensation
A sliding down my throat
Pushing into my chest
A table in my abdomenI am a rock
I feel resilient
I feel capable
I feel strong
And something is missing
I feel level
But the level almost starts to feel numb
I search,
Maybe a lemon
Maybe a dance, ooo! For a second there it is
And back to level
I sing, I scream, there it is!
And back to level
An eyegaze later and I am complete
But back to level
A walk, a run, a phone call...Do I seem like a rock to you?
Cause fuck I feel like one
I can hold you
And what's the pointI wish to have my finger on the pulse of life
Cold water on skin
Tongue on tongueSomething is missing.
I miss life running through me.
God, please give me knowledge of Your will for me and the strength
to become Alive enough to carry that out.
Mother
The rushing river
The first one
I am loved by you
Completely, utterly, unconditionally held in your warm embrace
You love me no matter what
You know me at my very coreFather
The woods
(I am your son)
I am powerful beyond words
Greatness, life flowing through my veins
I see the good in me
I see the stories that tell me otherwise
You see the great in me no matter what
I'd rather not like your truth
Than not hear your truth
I sit here
And wait for god to speak
Dead of winter.
I've diedLoneliness bites at my soulLife is a hallucination
Jesus
Let my broken heart be seen by others
Give me the strength to trust
That they will see themselves in me
And have compassionMy pain needs connection
Let each fracture of my heart and thread of insanity be met with kindness
And give me the strength to reach out my hand when I need it most
Toxic mess
This is how it feels
You see love as a game
Winner, loser...Temptress
Powerful, playful, joyful, sexy, adventurous, alive
Ambivalent, erratic, unsteady, disconnected, avoidant, afraidI know the game
We've played before
And your immaturity showed
Inconsistency is your language
And I guess insecurity is mine
You say one thing then do another
And sometimes you don't say anything...Standing in front of her, everything I've built is gone
I am no one, worth nothing
Waves of her crash at the ruins of my cityShe left, and now she's back
Its been awhile
And I see more clearly
Sad thing is, I think it could be sweet
But could is not real
Do I want it
Or do I want to be someone who wants it
Or do I want to be seen as someone who has it?
Or to be seen as somebody who wants it?
What if I am not it?Or
did something touch me so deep
a spark was lit for something that feels like me.
Something I forgot was me
Maybe something I never knew I was
Something I am learning I amIn admiration and pursuit of being something more
I ignored what I am
I sink into a deep peace and contentment in recognition of my beauty.
I have and tell a different story.And I notice that
In immense admiration of another most of me only knows how to mimic
I scramble, I attempt to become
a fake, a copyThe inspired artist, trying to recreate what he finds beautiful
Instead of just existing
As art himselfIn hatred and confusion about some layers of myself, I deny and do not see the love and depth that exists in me, its own flavor, so perfectly and powerfully me
I fail to see my beauty
-
My work has been and will be to learn, love, and fluctuate between these layers
For I do not dream of a "perfect" life where I am that more authentic self all the time
I only wish for the clarity, courage, and self compassion to recognize myself in all states, and to know I will return to myself, always.How much trust can I have that no matter how far from myself I feel and for how long, I am more than this moment?
More than this momentary experience of myself...A spark
A little bubble of joy
An article of pleasure
A tingle of ecstasy
A bubbling play
A molecule of aliveness
Will always come back
I want to see youNot man, not woman.Not teacher nor student.Not superior nor subordinate.Not success nor failure.I want nothing from you except to see that dear human.
Not victim nor victor
Not predator or prey
Not desirer nor desireeI want your confidence and insecurity
Your strength and vulnerability
Your pain and joy.I want to see you as God sees you
Or when you're alone
Your self love and self hate
Your tenderness and ferocityI want to see you as you see yourself
Your ease and struggle
Your wildest dreams and hopeless fantasies
I want to see you.Stuttering, shimmering, broken, perfect
Human
My primal body...
When I deny it what it wants,
It comes back roaring even more intenselyMy primal body
Raw
Alive
Powerful
Supple
Relaxed
GentleIt is very simple
All I have to do is listen
When I give it what it wants, I am at peace---Lust
For life
For more of myself
To be more alive
We are so much more alive than we know
Your smell
Is a reason to live and die
This feelingThis feelingIs so big
I cannot trust it
I cannot feel it
It would wash me away
And this song
Takes me too far back
To a staircase that descends forever
I shake until
You are not the abuser of my past
Nor am I the victim I once was
And I can kindly,
With so much clarity, knowing, and peace in my heart
say yes or no to you.
...
Its all noise
Its all fucking noise
Surrender,
to the depth.Die
Every second of
Every day
Into presence
Into love
Into this eye contactDie... into this touch
Drop the game
Be in it
Swim in it
Swim in this depth until you can't take it anymore
Swim in this depth until you become it
Swim in this depth until you want to die
Then die, realizing all you ever wanted was to become it
Your deepest longing, to be all of it at the same time.All of existence, in your eyes, in your breath, in your heart
One by one
Each string that connected my heart to hers
Frays
And then ripsDisintegrates
God has taken overI'm not expressing myself
I am expressing god
What does god want to show others through me
What does god want me to see about myself
How has the world wounded and blessed me so that I am the one to tell this story
And maybe no one sees
What I see
Perhaps it is all a dillusion
(My gut speaks)
Well.. it touches me
And that is satisfying beyond anything else I knowVision
Surrender
Inspiration
Excitement
Flow
Bliss
Ecstasy
Contentment
Contraction
Dissapointment
Turmoil
Frustration
Negotiation
Abandonment
Depression
Revival
Obsession
Renegotiation
Vigor
Exhaustion
Bartering
Self judgment
Self compassion
Joy
Fulfillment
Ecstasy
Winter
If you're going to take me,
Then take meYour wavering keeps me from surrendering
Dont worry, I can take it
I am a vessel for your wisdom
Its been a long summer
I want to go to the deepest depths
To touch the very bottom
I want you to suffocate me in darkness
Freeze me with cold, thin air
I want things to slow down
So slow that I fear they will never speed up again
The only hope left is complete destructionThe moment before birth is death,
before the beginning, the end
When I try, I fail
When I follow, I succeed
Dear Nils
Its only you that I wish to hear from
Speak to me
Above all
I wish to know your heart
Beauty
you do nothing for me
except rob me of my depth
unless you know how to let yourself die.
There is but one thing in life, I feel, more beautiful than creation
And that is disintegration
We are a culture that values "knowing" above much else.I'd rather not know.
I'd rather be tortured, in confusion and distress
For days and days on end
Than believe a half truth
Fooling myself into thinking I've found the answer
Hallelujah, I have clarity!
Meanwhile, a nagging feeling that something is off, that something doesn't really make sense
If I don't hold onto this truth I just found, I dont know what to do. Or where to go. Or whom to be
Getting comfortable in this space has been so uncomfortable.
In this space I am me.
This is the brain without dogma, this is sovereignty.
Sometimes to live in truth is to swim in an ocean. Waves taking me in many directions, taking me into wordless lands of states and concepts...
Sit in that long enough, and truth will come, stillness in the water.
Truth without explanation.
It can feel "wrong" or even shameful. The greatest things about humanity have long been shamed and hidden.
But it is undeniable, impermeable, unshakeable pure lucidity.So I am serious when I say - I want to know your questions, your confusion, and your ache for sense more than anything you "know".
Let's hold our "imperfection" together.
Life has me
And it is sweet
Blown in the wind
Swept up by a wave
Sweet one
The world has been hard with youI wish to see you
And love you
And give to you
And be curious about you
And appreciate you
So that you can be all that you are meant to be
You are incredibleI wish to show you how beautiful life is
Maybe I also want to show myself
I know what its like to be where you are
And I wish I could scoop you up and put you in a pool of nurturing dolphins
For they, are in love with life
And confident that life loves them
Life loves you, sweet one
Every curve of you
Invites me
My touch
My gazeMagnets under my skin
Pulling me to you-
Hold that gaze a bit longerYou, the moon
Me, gravity
Too dramatic?I take in the whole world
And see you there next to me
And hold you in that
What draws me to youis that you are not me,but enough me,to fall into this invisible mirrorwe call love
Dear,
You’re too alive
To crumble
Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." Unknown
"Find what you love and let it kill you." Charles Bukowski
"The fastest, cleanest, most joyful way to break out of your own box is by dancing. I'm not talking about doing the stand-and-sway. I'm talking about dancing so deep, so hard, so full of the beat that you are nothing but the dance and the beat and the sweat and the heat." Gabrielle Roth
“Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.” Khalil Gibran
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
"Addiction is the most human thing there is." Gabor Maté
""It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." CS Lewis
"Between the head and the feet of any given person is a billion miles of unexplored wilderness." Gabrielle Roth
"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." Ernest Hemingway
“Why are you knocking at every other door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart." Rumi
"Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." Benjamin Franklin
“Is society healthy, that an individual should return to it? Has not society itself helped to make the individual unhealthy? Of course, the unhealthy must be made healthy, that goes without saying; but why should the individual adjust himself to an unhealthy society? If he is healthy, he will not be a part of it. Without first questioning the health of society, what is the good of helping misfits to conform to society?” Krishnamurti
"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away." Frida Kahlo
“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" Charles Bukowski
"For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather." Shams
"We commit to reality at all costs, knowing that's where we will find ultimate serenity." Unknown
"It is from here I wonder about the agreements we make with ourselves to create peace." Unknown
"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible, is music." Aldous Huxley
"If you wish to be a warrior prepare to get broken, if you wish to be an explorer prepare to get lost, and if you wish to be a lover, prepare to be both." Daniel Saint
What I'm Listening To
Check out playlists I've created, my favorite artists, and see what I'm listening to every month.I make playlists of my favorite songs each month and my favorite genres every year.
Such as 24-11 (November 2024) and Dance nov
I stand on the north shore of a huge river
It spans hundreds of meters
And the way down to the water is steep and rocky
It is so large that from the shore it looks like its moving slowly
But only those who come down to the water know its incredible power and speedInside of me is so much love
I've learned how to live this way
It bubbles and swoons within me
My body is supple
My face soft
InspiredI stand still and look out at the waters
A storm is overhead
The waters are dark and a nordic-like wind blows across this subtropical landscape...At the core of my being there is a ball of light
So so tender
A hand reaching out
Waiting to touch that which it knows
Purity,
And love
And joy, and healing, and easeAcross the distance
Under some trees on the other side of the river
Is a being
I dont know much about her
But I see herA vortex pulls me to her
I can step off the cliff and I'll appear next to her
And there will be so much painI will recognize her when it is time
And she will recognize me
A leaf landing on the groundI've had the right one at the wrong time
There is so much griefNow I wait for the right one
And more so, the right time
And I know it is not now
And that is so bittersweetWhen I fully show up for myself
And fully embody myself
I will meet herIt's not crossing off a checklist or an end goal
It's a wave gathering speed
No one but god know when it is going to break
And even god revels in the mystery
It builds and builds and at the perfect moment it lets go into the rest of the sea
This is what I'm with, and that's when I will meet her