Hi, I'm Nils

...
Its all noise
Its all fucking noise
Surrender,
to the depth.Die
Every second of
Every day
Into presence
Into love
Into this eye contactDie... into this touch
Drop the game
Be in it
Swim in it
Swim in this depth until you can't take it anymore
Swim in this depth until you become it
Swim in this depth until you want to die
Then die, realizing all you ever wanted was to become it
Your deepest longing, to be all of it at the same time.All of existence, in your eyes, in your breath, in your heart

One by one
Each string that connected my heart to hers
Frays
And then ripsDisintegrates

God has taken overI'm not expressing myself
I am expressing god
What does god want to show others through me
What does god want me to see about myself
How has the world wounded and blessed me so that I am the one to tell this story
And maybe no one sees
What I see
Perhaps it is all a dillusion
(My gut speaks)
Well.. it touches me
And that is satisfying beyond anything else I knowVision
Surrender
Inspiration
Excitement
Flow
Bliss
Ecstasy
Contentment
Contraction
Dissapointment
Turmoil
Frustration
Negotiation
Abandonment
Depression
Revival
Obsession
Renegotiation
Vigor
Exhaustion
Bartering
Self judgment
Self compassion
Joy
Fulfillment
Ecstasy

Winter
If you're going to take me,
Then take meYour wavering keeps me from surrendering
Dont worry, I can take it
I am a vessel for your wisdom
Its been a long summer
I want to go to the deepest depths
To touch the very bottom
I want you to suffocate me in darkness
Freeze me with cold, thin air
I want things to slow down
So slow that I fear they will never speed up again
The only hope left is complete destructionThe moment before birth is death,
before the beginning, the end

When I try, I fail
When I follow, I succeed

Dear Nils
Its only you that I wish to hear from
Speak to me
Above all
I wish to know your heart

Beauty
you do nothing for me
except rob me of my depth
unless you know how to let yourself die.

There is but one thing in life, I feel, more beautiful than creation
And that is disintegration

We are a culture that values "knowing" above much else.I'd rather not know.
I'd rather be tortured, in confusion and distress
For days and days on end
Than believe a half truth
Fooling myself into thinking I've found the answer
Hallelujah, I have clarity!
Meanwhile, a nagging feeling that something is off, that something doesn't really make sense
If I don't hold onto this truth I just found, I dont know what to do. Or where to go. Or whom to be
Getting comfortable in this space has been so uncomfortable.
In this space I am me.
This is the brain without dogma, this is sovereignty.
Sometimes to live in truth is to swim in an ocean. Waves taking me in many directions, taking me into wordless lands of states and concepts...
Sit in that long enough, and truth will come, stillness in the water.
Truth without explanation.
It can feel "wrong" or even shameful. The greatest things about humanity have long been shamed and hidden.
But it is undeniable, impermeable, unshakeable pure lucidity.So I am serious when I say - I want to know your questions, your confusion, and your ache for sense more than anything you "know".
Let's hold our "imperfection" together.

Life has me
And it is sweet
Blown in the wind
Swept up by a wave

Sweet one
The world has been hard with youI wish to see you
And love you
And give to you
And be curious about you
And appreciate you
So that you can be all that you are meant to be
You are incredibleI wish to show you how beautiful life is
Maybe I also want to show myself
I know what its like to be where you are
And I wish I could scoop you up and put you in a pool of nurturing dolphins
For they, are in love with life
And confident that life loves them
Life loves you, sweet one

Every curve of you
Invites me
My touch
My gazeMagnets under my skin
Pulling me to you-
Hold that gaze a bit longerYou, the moon
Me, gravity
Too dramatic?I take in the whole world
And see you there next to me
And hold you in that

What draws me to youis that you are not me,but enough me,to fall into this invisible mirrorwe call love

Dear,
You’re too alive
To crumble

Here are some of my favorites

Unknown Title by Rumi
Do not worry if our harp breaks
thousands more will appear.
We have fallen in the arms of love
where all is music.
If all harps in the world
were burned down.
Still inside the heart
there will be hidden
music playing.
Do not worry if all the candles
in the world flicker and die
we have the spark
that starts the fire
the song we sing
are like foam on the surface
on the sea of being.
While the precious gems
lie deep beneath
But the tenderness in our songs
is a reflection of what is hidden
in the depths.
Stop the flow of you words
open the window of your heart
and let the spirit speak.

"I Know The Way You Can Get" by HafizI know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

From "On Reason and Passion" by Khalil Gibran
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

Unknown Title by Rumi
I'm Not A Christian, Or Jew, Or Muslim, Or Hindu. Not A Buddhist, Sufi, Or Zen.
Not Any Religion, Or Cultural System.
I'm Not From The East Or The West.
Not Out Of The Ocean, Or Up From The Ground.
Not Natural Or Ethereal, Not Composed Of Elements At All.
I Do Not Exist, I'm Not An Entity, In This World Or The Next.
I Did Not Descend From Adam And Eve. Or Any Story.
My Place Is Placeless, My Trace Traceless, Neither Body Nor Soul.
I Belong To The Beloved.
I've Seen The Two World As One, And That One Called Two And None.
First. Last. Outer. Inner.
Only That Breath, Breathing.
Human.

"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.” Khalil Gibran

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." Unknown

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain

""It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." CS Lewis

"Find what you love and let it kill you." Charles Bukowski

"Between the head and the feet of any given person is a billion miles of unexplored wilderness." Gabrielle Roth

"The fastest, cleanest, most joyful way to break out of your own box is by dancing. I'm not talking about doing the stand-and-sway. I'm talking about dancing so deep, so hard, so full of the beat that you are nothing but the dance and the beat and the sweat and the heat." Gabrielle Roth

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." Ernest Hemingway

"Addiction is the most human thing there is." Gabor Maté

“Why are you knocking at every other door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart." Rumi

"Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." Benjamin Franklin

“Is society healthy, that an individual should return to it? Has not society itself helped to make the individual unhealthy? Of course, the unhealthy must be made healthy, that goes without saying; but why should the individual adjust himself to an unhealthy society? If he is healthy, he will not be a part of it. Without first questioning the health of society, what is the good of helping misfits to conform to society?” Krishnamurti

"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away." Frida Kahlo

“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" Charles Bukowski

"For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather." Shams

"We commit to reality at all costs, knowing that's where we will find ultimate serenity." Unknown

"It is from here I wonder about the agreements we make with ourselves to create peace." Part of a poem from Fisher Poets Festival 2024

"Trust, but verify." Ronald Reagan

"Transparency is for those who carry out public duties and exercise public power. Privacy is for everyone else." Glenn Greenwald

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible, is music." Aldous Huxley

"If you wish to be a warrior prepare to get broken, if you wish to be an explorer prepare to get lost, and if you wish to be a lover, prepare to be both." Daniel Saint

"No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable." Socrates

What I'm Listening To

Check out playlists I've created, my favorite artists, and see what I'm listening to every month.I make playlists of my favorite songs each month and my favorite genres every year.
Such as 24-11 (November 2024) and Dance nov

June 6, 2024Reflections on the service of vision, optimism, helplessness, and the light of our soul's purpose on earth.

When we are suffering
We need a light
We need something to look forward toWhen we are in hard times
We need something that feels optimisticWhen things are not as we want them to be
We need a vision for a better lifeIf we cannot envision this,
If we feel we have no options to create a better life
We often fall into despair and helplessness
Especially if we feel alone in this
(Often we feel this helplessness when we were already feeling quite alone)
Alone, we are overwhelmed
This happens very subtlyWe cannot handle what life seems to be. Empty, meaningless, dull. So we create the same state on the inside. The state of numbness to life.But deep down we know there is more. We've felt it in moments and as children. (Not high, not even necessarily happy or joyous, but a state of utter aliveness). To live with life, in life.
I think many feel like all that's inside cannot come out. Perhaps be seen as too much, impolite, inappropriate, or weird.I believe there is a light in all of us.
Patiently waiting for the day we are ready to pull away the curtains.
Maybe we just peek inside a few times a month, or maybe we feel to set the curtains afire.
No matter how deep it is buried, it is always there.To be honest, I don't know what the world will look like if we allow these lights to shine.I question if society "will work".But it doesn't work well now, so why not give it a try?We can, for short periods of time, summon the energy to rise out of this helplessness. Just pure motivation, inspiration. Or maybe it is fueled by anger, resentment, sadness, or frustration.For the long term, we need tools.
We need support.
We need deep listening.
We need community.
We need vision.
We need action.
We need patience.
We need surrender.Let us go slow, as this is a marathon, not a sprint.
But let us not go so slow as we forget.
And we must hold ourselves dearly and with so much warmth and compassion as we fall along the way.---Written while listening to:
"Mad Rush" by Phillip Glass and "Internal Flight" by Estas Tonne

Writing